Holiday Season and Breakdowns

So over the past few weeks I've been having little mini breakdowns, which usually  ends in tears.  I know a lot of it is the Cancer but a lot of it also due to the time of year.  I don't know why, but every year I get really depressed around the beginning of the holidays. This year is no different except I feel that my emotions are on overload. This was supposed to be our year to host the family Christmas but it's become way too obvious that I just cannot physically do it.  And I'm so disappointed about it - I was looking forward to have a "vintage" Christmas, complete with a vintage style dress and the works. We decorate our house with vintage Christmas decorations and trees and I have been looking forward to this since last Christmas. One, to show off our house and two, because it could be my last Christmas or my last time I could hostess it. As it turns out that can't even happen. If I'm up one day up doing something then I end up in bed, sick, unable to eat, with major headaches and whatever else decides to rear it's ugly head for at least 3 or more days. And to make matters worse my weight keeps going up and down and up and down so the Vintage Style dress I ordered for Christmas made me look like a Thanksgiving Day Helium Balloon. Yes, it going back! I think that was the final straw for the camel's back. It made realize I just CAN NOT do this. We're going to call my doctor tomorrow. I was planning on waiting until the 1st of the year to start treating this Cancer but now we're wondering if we should start now, holidays or not. 

I'll probably be "crying" on here more often than not in the next couple months. I've noticed that whenever I call my mom, she ends up crying about my having Cancer, even tho she says she's not. So I am trying so hard to not "cry" on her shoulder. And she has enough on her plate these days because my dad has been really sick and still isn't well.

And Mike just closes up - he does not deal with emotional issues well at all. And all of this leads me to more crying jags because I have all this emotion and pain and no one to talk to. And then the Bitch in me comes out because I just need to get it all off from my chest. I can see this is going to get much worse before it gets better.  I seem to handle it all better when I have someone else's problems to focus on. Not that I'm wishing anyone ill wishes.  So I hope y'all will bear with me thru my trials and tribulations of the upcoming holidays. 

CANCER SUCKS!! 

Remember, If you Don't Suspect It, You Can't Detect It!
Joyce

Frustration Regarding Rare Cancers

I thought I'd post this before adding the rest of my posts from my Facebook page. So far I still haven't been able to find a doctor that is willing to take me on as a patient. Thank God for having a family friend who is highly intelligent and well connected in the medical field. He is doing his best to find one as soon as possible for me. 

In the meantime, I've been doing my own research.  Can you believe in this day and age, there are approximately only 5, yes you read that right, just 5 states that have doctors that are knowledgeable about this type of rare cancer. Thank goodness for me, one of the states is IL, which is only two hours from us. But my point on this, is that many people do not have the money or means to travel and/or stay someplace that far away if they are diagnosed with this rare cancer or any other rare cancer or any cancer for that matter. Now please don't take my next comments wrong - all cancer's deserve research.  But look at the outpouring of financial aid, support, and especially information, etc for Breast Cancer, Colon Cancer, Brain Cancer, Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma and so many others that are heard about everyday in the mainstream media.  But there are MANY cancers that are so RARE that no one has even heard of them, that doctors don't even know enough to treat those patients. Don't they deserve the same support??? Don't the people that are diagnosed with the rare cancers deserve a chance at life also? We need to bring these rare cancers to the front of the media so they can also get financial aid, money for research etc. 

You have no idea how petrifying it is to know you have this thing in you someplace, growing (albeit slowly?), your life is not the same and never will be. And yet you cannot find a doctor for help. If there is even one. Most days it seems surreal. But I think in my case it feels like that because I have been sick for so long with no answers. On the days I think about what my body is going thru, I wonder if death would actual be better than the life I am now living. Because in actuality I am not living but existing. I might feel good one day a week and even that is such a strain and I am on constant pain killers to get thru the day. The pain is constant and some days worse than others.I'm not able to do many things anymore and I've pretty much lost all the friends I had because they got tired of my not being to do things or canceling at the last minute. 

I pray I find a doctor before it's too late and I also pray that more attention and research is brought to the forefront for rare cancers like Carcinoid Syndrome and other cancers that people have never heard about.  So if you can, please help spread the word! You never know when someone you love may be the one diagnosed.

If You Don't Suspect, You Can't Detect It!
Joyce