Holiday Season and Breakdowns

So over the past few weeks I've been having little mini breakdowns, which usually  ends in tears.  I know a lot of it is the Cancer but a lot of it also due to the time of year.  I don't know why, but every year I get really depressed around the beginning of the holidays. This year is no different except I feel that my emotions are on overload. This was supposed to be our year to host the family Christmas but it's become way too obvious that I just cannot physically do it.  And I'm so disappointed about it - I was looking forward to have a "vintage" Christmas, complete with a vintage style dress and the works. We decorate our house with vintage Christmas decorations and trees and I have been looking forward to this since last Christmas. One, to show off our house and two, because it could be my last Christmas or my last time I could hostess it. As it turns out that can't even happen. If I'm up one day up doing something then I end up in bed, sick, unable to eat, with major headaches and whatever else decides to rear it's ugly head for at least 3 or more days. And to make matters worse my weight keeps going up and down and up and down so the Vintage Style dress I ordered for Christmas made me look like a Thanksgiving Day Helium Balloon. Yes, it going back! I think that was the final straw for the camel's back. It made realize I just CAN NOT do this. We're going to call my doctor tomorrow. I was planning on waiting until the 1st of the year to start treating this Cancer but now we're wondering if we should start now, holidays or not. 

I'll probably be "crying" on here more often than not in the next couple months. I've noticed that whenever I call my mom, she ends up crying about my having Cancer, even tho she says she's not. So I am trying so hard to not "cry" on her shoulder. And she has enough on her plate these days because my dad has been really sick and still isn't well.

And Mike just closes up - he does not deal with emotional issues well at all. And all of this leads me to more crying jags because I have all this emotion and pain and no one to talk to. And then the Bitch in me comes out because I just need to get it all off from my chest. I can see this is going to get much worse before it gets better.  I seem to handle it all better when I have someone else's problems to focus on. Not that I'm wishing anyone ill wishes.  So I hope y'all will bear with me thru my trials and tribulations of the upcoming holidays. 

CANCER SUCKS!! 

Remember, If you Don't Suspect It, You Can't Detect It!
Joyce